These past 2 days have been a blessing in disguise. Everything that I see and do, it's as if it's supposed to help me get better from my emotional strain :) 

It feels really really good. . . I'm actually happier. . a little happier but nonetheless happier. I have to put everything down as soon as I get back. Don't have my memory card reader right now. 

oh beautiful life. . . you've always been beautiful, just that i was zombified through it for a while. :) 

so tired. . and the animal shelter in the morning. . . . 

walking through the jungles.

I had another dream last night. 

I was going somewhere to a deserted or civilized/rural village but quite modern too. I don't know. I was going somewhere. I think to photograph something, cause I planned to use the cameras of these other people. and from where these people picked me up, you wouldn't know that they were hiding from the city people. They were normal clothes like jeans and collared shirts, t shirts and all. They looked like me. 

So we walked towards the jungles. Deep into it. But it was a lovely walk. The air and its surroundings felt fresh and was a welcome after the city's air. We walked. talked mostly about where we're going - cause I kept asking. Passed by a lot of buildings that look like shophouses. And eventually came to our stop. 

As we stood outside the building. It was a building on bricked stilts. But a very classy/modern building with a glass front and is in a horizontal egg shaped top with beautiful colonial touches of designs in gold. And as I stood at the bottom, and stared up, I was wondering- how are we going to get up there? And then I saw this lift. Something like what the window washers would use to get up. but a little more complicated and more fun. I wanted to do it. and realized, getting up is not as easy as it looked like. I had to take into account weight, luggage, sequence of me pressing which buttons, shortness of the rope. Everything. and only after a while could I get up.

 

When we got in, there was darkness everywhere, except for this little light at the other side of the room. This darkness though didn't have an eerie touch to it. It didn't feel cold or clammy as darkness in rooms of strangers usually feel. It felt . . . warm and comfortable. I just sat on the floor and played with the camera.  

*and then I woke up. 

It was a very comfortable laid back dream. Refreshing from all the other dreams I've had. . 

my little candlelight.

Candle light

a warm soft glow

a flickered yellow 

in the dark so cold

with strong winds blowing

swish swash, swish swash

i cover around you to let you stand 

it's been a while since i've noticed your glow

it's comforting and soothing

to my skin and soul.

My fingertips around you

I feel the warmth spread

Into my veins itself 

coursing in and out

and all over-

all over my body, 

i feel your hope spread

calming my pains and insecurities

fears and tears that has been bothering me

it's my fault really

i've forgotten you

how a tiny little light moving in the dark  can be so strong for me

guiding my eyes to the front to move along the path that has been set

i'd want to hold you again

soon again and walk in the dark

just you in my palm 

and by the beach.

it's there that i always feel best

and till then. . . 

i won't forget you my little candle light of last night. . .

I believe in Myself.

You know what I learnt from going to college. Other than the knowledge I get from books, I really learned how tough and challenging music is. And when it's your passion, it's just a wonderful feeling you get to want to make sure that everything you do is to the best of your capabilities. I LOVE every single moment of making music and I find that I take it very seriously.

Like I'm a free spirit again 

and I believe that I can achieve anything I want. .. 

-You can never get tired

 of reaching higher for the stars. -

I've chosen my path. and now I'm living it. It's remarkable to have these

 qualities within you. I'm being me when I was in high school. I've set such high standards for myself only I can live up to its capabilities. I feel so liberated once again to have my mind back for myself. :D.  No love nonsense, no more insecurities, but by just being me. Strong enough to believe that ANYTHING is possible. It feels so good to be back. 

I longed for this feeling when I was doing my A-levels. I thought that it's natural to stop feeling it cause my lecturer said it's only the young who believe in the impossible. and I actually believed her. and there by itself.. .. a little part of me died.  But then again, A-Levels wasn't what I wanted to do. So forcing yourself to do something that isn't you would just kill you slowly from the inside. Change you to be something you're not and eventually, over the years make you feel you're insignificant and lost. Then you'll start following people who are stronger than you. These people are usually, err, not very nice people. .. . . and there on, you go down the path you wouldn't have chosen if you were you. .. 

It's not easy to pull yourself out i have to say. Lots of pain you've got to go through to pull yourself out of it. But at the end of the road, you've seen so much, you know what you don't want and begin to pursue, what you do want. Believe me, I know. It's at that one point where you've had enough of being pushed around by life and you start standing up for yourself and saying. This is ME. It's only then when you begin a journey of you...

I'm going to hold on to myself for as long as it takes, stopping only when I'm part of them, my stars :D Then I know that I have achieved my dreams and am playing in a place where I belong but until then, I believe in myself and will not rest till I know that my destiny is done. :) 

cause I believe in ME. 

Fairy Tales have no happy ending sometimes. It's just the imagination that pushes it on.

Last month, My friend, Misagh went home to Iran. On Thursday June 11, 2009 He was telling me about Iran. How the place is so beautiful and EVERYONE's preparing for the elections. It's all green here. He had never seen his home so full of life before. It really is beautiful. He even said he's gonna be bringing back cookies for us and all. . .

Misagh Irani is in IRAN, everything is GREEN because of presidency election, all the people are happy...I've never seen my country like this...people are everywhere in streets...they wear green, paint their face green...I love this IRAN...Green...Happy...

June 11 at 4:51am · Comment · Like

Eilya Bros at 5:21am June 11

why are you sitting there then?get up and go green in the streets fatass!

Misagh Irani at 6:21am June 11

I'm in!this is my phone facebook!

Eilya Bros at 7:37am June 11

Oh really?officially jealous :(

From how my friend was chatting to me online, even I could imagine the atmosphere of happiness along the streets. It's so Disney like and it felt as if I was Belle (from Beauty and the Beast) walking through the streets of France. Singing Bonjour and Good day to everyone.

With an atmosphere like that, who knew that in only a few days, the happiness and peace that was so centered within the country would change into a monstrous beast and be the beginning of a war of rights.

My peace to all in Iran. 

PS:

If you are a blogger, I urge you to unite and blog for a Free Iran on the 29th of June.

..... Join myself and tons of others around the world in writing for it. .....

Click Here 

 

.. i wonder what this one means.

been having tons of dreams lately. so i had an afternoon nap, and it began ..:

i was running with a guy. We were running and homeless, no roof nothing over our heads. We ran and ran until this lady took us in. She's a socialite. Everyone who lives in that house wears beautiful dresses all day and speaks properly. Reminds me of a world i know. Anyways, the guy I was running with, he broke a rule, and instead of following us into the room, he went to another door, and he never came back :(

We were close. and I got worried. I started running around looking for him but I couldn't find him anywhere and I missed dinner. The lady who took me in was not happy, but being a socialite, she doesn't scold but she started following me everywhere and I started hiding. I ran and hid all over the neighborhood, but she was always just beyond the car if I'm hiding behind the tyres. 

It was a fearful dream, thrilling,a lotof adrenaline rushes. A lot of running. I felt so troubled through it all. I didn't want to be like everyone else going for dinner and dressing in fancy clothes and all. But I broke the rules, and had to be .. set straight I guess? 

She never caught me fortunately. Her husband tried to help me when I didn't come for dinner, but even he was pushy for me to attend. He said, you know you have to do this. . and I just ran. 

I woke up with a headache after that. . . . 

sleeping helps you learn.

I had a dream just now. 

I was in my apartment in KL, except that my apartment in KL had changed drastically. I just came back from Ipoh and the minute I stepped into the place. Everything was bright and colorful!. Pillows everywhere. Couches, sofas, a big beautiful garden outside. My housemate was extending her room. and everything was very IKEA like and gorgeous. 

Then I went into my room. And :) it was the same. But i was shocked that I didn't know anything about any of this. My housemate came back, I wet over to her room to talk to her. She lost tons of weight, looks like me now. Her room connected out into the garden. 

I walked out. and she talked to me. Saying that she didn't want to tell me cause she didn't want to go through my errs and rationality and everything. . . I understood, got a little irritated, but i understood. 

So i walked out into the apartment. and noticed this door, (in real life it's a store room) I opened it, and walked into the room. It was empty, cold, had a marble stoned floor, an empty fireplace, closed windows, shaded no light. and a corner door which led to the kitchen. . . It was bigger than my room. and among the entire house, this was the room i liked, cause it had a reserved feel to it. 

Then I heard kids screaming outside. And I walked out. And they all looked happy jumping around and having lots of fun. And all I did was freak out in horror that I will be living with a bunch of children and exclaimed to my housemate immediately. WE HAVE KIDS??? (angry), WTH? WHY? I'm moving out. 

......and then I woke up. 

What I have interpreted from this dream though is that.. . ..= I've changed, I have now become the me that I have been trying so hard to get rid off and I've fallen and become that person all over again. I must find a way to get out. 

There is an entire house full of color and vibrancy and I on one hand want nothing more than the empty cold room. Everything has changed around me and all I want is to be stagnant and alone.  The empty bigger cold room, symbolizes me wanting, bigger, and better and more, but it's all empty. Absolutely empty. . this is what I want? Is it? I thought i was looking for fulfillment peace of mind, but I think i'm headed the wrong way. 

 My housemate telling me about my rationality and rigidity.. . I guess i can honestly say that this has been the case the past few days. I've been such an ass to my team mates. I know i'm hard on them by having tons of  ways of but making them stick to the main story. but urgh. i'm just an ass, no excuse. 

The big house full of color. . the vibrancy. The expansion. Everything? And I... I didn't want any of that? I think I've really given up on life. In my dream. i didn't want any of that at all. Not one single thing to do with it. And when the kids came in. All i could think about was, How the HELL am I going to work? When I used to LOVE Children to bits!. 

I now must find a way to get myself out of this. I know what I've been doing wrong. . I've got to let go, and search for me again. I don't want this to be me. I've been there, I've done that. and. . . honestly. It's a sad, pathetic life with no reasons to live. . .  

I really have to thank Fr. Rudy and Aunty Mary and Terry and Aunty Lucille and Aunty Lillian and Joanitha for creating Discipleship and Damascus. It really has brought so much into my life. . . .